If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
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Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.