I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
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The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.