One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
You Might Also Like
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
I’m not alone. I have ants.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
based al yankovic
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope