I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
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Oh no 😂😂💔😭
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
fired
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*