[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
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After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch