I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
You Might Also Like
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.