My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
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[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.