While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
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I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you