I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
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God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
the prophecies have been fulfilled
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.