[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
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Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
haha same
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.