mariah carrie
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Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
my first dose meeting my second
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
This guy gets it.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?