Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
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A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.