cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
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[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art