Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
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Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan