COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
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Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.