“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
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My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
rapatouille
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…