People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
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adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
philosophical skeletons be like
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.