[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
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[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
OMG 🤣🤣
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”