Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
You Might Also Like
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.