When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
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Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
*praying for world peace*
God:
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people