Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
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This did not end as expected.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get