My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
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Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human wonât leave me alone.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Calories donât count – no one taught them Math.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighborâs backyard
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and itâs likeâŚyou already do buddyâŚyou already do.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
I am in:
đľ Kentucky
đľ Texas
đ PantsFor the:
đľ Fried Chicken
đľ Chainsaw Massacre
đ First time in weeks
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, theyâre too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Whatâs the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I donât have a fish
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: đđđđ I Dont know guys, leave me alone đ
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasnât talking to me anymore.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I canât even remember if I took my pills last night
Iâm more than willing to test out that whole âmoney canât buy happinessâ thing.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it