Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
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restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
bout dat hot dog summer
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.