My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
You Might Also Like
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t