at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
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Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
I see your IQ test came back negative
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now