boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
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them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.