if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
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My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
I didn’t realize that was an option
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Best spoiler warning ever
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.