Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
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[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
They got Raph!
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute