friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
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Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you