I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
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Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?