Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
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[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.