Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
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ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
I can’t wait!
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
time for some seasonal decor
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.