It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
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A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
when you don’t want to be too vague
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
RT if you could go either way.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.