Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
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Sell your car
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.