Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
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Always…
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Oh my God.