People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
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(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Breaking news:
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.