If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
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one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
nature’s most graceful animal
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.