*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
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Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
i’m still crying at this
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
I wanna be friends with this person
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.