If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
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[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.