Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
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The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
one last job
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.