The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
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me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
That’s it.I’m out.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet