Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
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pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Finally, a door that understands me
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”