when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
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If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.