Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
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I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
that lip filler tho
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
🙂🐾
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.