[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
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EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
How it started: How it’s going:
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.