“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
You Might Also Like
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
(Electricians.)
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]