Me My dog
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My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.