One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
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Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably