Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
You Might Also Like
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
english majors be like furthermore
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
#Caturday