Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
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Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Love is always patient and kind.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.